Teenagers are hilarious. They are also very sad creatures.

Also, my completely shit internet service is my official cause of failing at NaBloPoMo. I barely manage to get coursework in on time weekly, much less decent blog posts on a daily basis. 

Moving on from my never-ending failures in life. 

My dad insists on tiling/fixing the bedroom that my sister and I share. So over this lovely Thanksgiving weekend, instead of joining the rest of America in overindulging in soul food and hitting the malls from midnight, I have been attempting to take EVERYTHING out of that room and pack it into boxes/neat piles. Mind you, that room has 16-17 years worth of crap from two girls (moved in 17 years ago, sister wasn’t born until almost two years later). We’ve thrown out very little over that time. From toys, to clothes, to books that I can’t bring myself to let go of. It is Saturday and I haven’t finished a quarter of the work (that has to be done by Monday). 

I did manage to get all the books out. In doing so I found a journal that I kept when I was 16. It’s both laughable, and deeply sad to read all at once. Apparently, instead of worrying endlessly about boy drama and gossip as most teenagers do, I cried over worry for my family. Some of it is just ridiculous, from worrying my parents would divorce to worrying about my younger brother’s developmental health (maybe taking Psychology in highschool wasn’t the healthiest thing for my own mental health). But some of it was completely dead on, like my worry over my sister. It gives me heartbreaking shivers to read some of my little accounts of her behavior. I wish to kick myself for not realizing something was wrong sooner. I also wrote a lot about how being 16 just sucked, and many of my entries were written around 2 or 3 in the morning due to my seemingly endless insomnia issues. I wrote mini poems and song lyrics, hinting at the fact that maybe I wanted a boyfriend too. Someone to hold my hand and tell me they loved me. 

It’s funny because I never think of myself as having been a typical teenager, but evidently the terrible rush of hormones and misery hit me just as hard. Instead of rebelling and whining verbally about all my teenage angst though, I just had a grand old time pushing them all down until they manifested themselves in insomnia and general unhappiness and paranoia. 

About a half way through that journal the entries abruptly ended, and I have no recollection of why I stopped writing. I only know that a while later I wrote a last entry. I was 17 (a month shy of 18), and much much happier. I had a bit of a cry when I read the last bit, and this is what it said:

“I’ve learned a few main lessons this year. Enjoy the good moments, smile through the bad. Ignore the ignorant people. And remember that life isn’t about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself. I’m happy and excited for my future. Alhamdulilah. And if the world ends in 2012…that’s okay too.”

It’s hard to think that just months after I wrote that, our family was to be tested with trials that I have absolutely no idea how we managed to get through. I guess I’m stronger than I gave myself credit for. It is incredibly lovely to think that whatever I may be going through now will one day be looked back at from a much brighter perspective. 

I plan to destroy the entries. I’ve already ripped the pages out. You may ask why, and my answer is that after reading them once I don’t think I want to again. Too much happened right after, and I don’t want to ever have to think that maybe if I wasn’t so self absorbed about my stupid feelings I might have realized quicker that something was about to happen. I know deep down that it’s not my fault, but I don’t want to leave option for that idea to ferment. I’ve read them and took positive messages from them. That’s all I think I need.

Also, I kind of don’t want anyone to ever read them. Ever.

My family has a habit of reading my journals for kicks. Which I think has influenced my lack of journal writing as of anytime recently.

Now, I have 4 math assignments due tonight, a room to empty, and more memories to find.  

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Why in god’s name does yesterday’s post say Nov 12th?

That’s kind of counterproductive don’t you think? Sheesh. I know for a fact that I posted it way before midnight too. Get your shit together wordpress.

Everyone has been all uppity about the whole 11/12/13 deal today, except of course in the rest of the world today is 12/11/13…so we all just look more like idiots when we have people going ballistic about how “OMG it’s not gonna happen for another hundred years” (every date is like that. fools.) But then, I suppose everyone else will do that too when next month comes and it’s 11/12/13 in the rest of the world (and of course, 12/11/13 in the U S of A because we cool like that).

I have a feeling my punctuation sucks balls today, but I couldn’t really be bothered.

The Harry Potter Alliance had a fundraiser a little while ago called Equality FTW in which they managed to raise over $100k in about a month’s time. I donated to them (because it’s a freaking awesome cause) and didn’t bother selecting a perk (which for those of you who have been living under a rock, is a new-ish phenomenon of organizations giving something back to those who donate to their cause, everything from wrist bands to online shout-outs to personalized phone calls.) And THEN I saw that Alex Day was signing pages of Twilight (or in his lovely terminology, shitelight) and offering them as perks and I was like, kheretakemymoney. Long story short, I received the thin envelope today completely baffled as to what could be inside. I found a pretty postcard from Hermione Granger (HPA is so adorable) and the LAST PAGE OF SHITELIGHT SIGNED BY ALEX DAY.

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Gosh I love that boy. I really do. He’s the epitome of ridiculous awesomeness.

Speaking of ridiculous awesomeness, I also received my latest Amazon steal.

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Is that not the most fantastic keychain ever? I was giddy when opening the package. Took forever to get it on my keys, but I managed.

Anyway, it is the end of a pretty good day. Tomorrow I have a review for a math test that will determine whether or not my GPA will go up at all this semester. Fun times.

Losing your streak kind of kills the flow

I’ve spent my entire day off accomplishing absolutely nothing. It’s a bit sad that the holiday that’s meant to honor those who served has turned into a breath of relief for most students at getting a day off. In any case, I’d like to say Thank You, to all who have served for our country.

I really have nothing much else to say. And even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to articulate it because I’m actually in the middle of the first episode of Downton Abbey. It’s hard to write when you’re so wrapped up in another story. I also watched two episodes of the absolutely shit show Under the Dome, and I intend to buy and read the book because I’m sure it’s a million times better than the show. But then, most books that have been taken to the screen are.

My internet service decided to screw me over

If you recall, I said the other day that I had a lot of work due this weekend. I didn’t intend for it to impact my post for yesterday, but thanks to AT&T’s shit internet service, I had to pick one over the other. I spent all day (literally, from 9 am to 11 pm) begging my internet to work. It worked in 10 minute increments, so I’d do quarter of an online worksheet, hurry and save it, then wait for the internet to work again half hour later. Needless to say, I barely finished on time, and I also ruined my chances of passing my science class with an A. It’s kind of hard to understand things when you have a few moments to read the question, answer, and save it. 

You may ask why I didn’t go someplace else with decent Wi-Fi, and my answer is that I couldn’t. With my mom and sister out of town, dad preoccupied with some family drama, and younger brother busy playing NBA2K14, I had to be around to keep an eye on my baby brother. I had faith in the bloody internet and it screwed me over, messed up my perfect NaBloPoMo streak. Damn you AT&T. We’ve called them a ridiculous number of times. They come, fix it, and it works for a week. 

Whatever man. I’ll just blame my crap GPA at the end of the semester on them. That’s all. 

While my sister watches “Nikita”…

Netflix is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it allows you to watch a ridiculous number of things at your leisure for less than what most people spend on fast food in a month. A curse, because oh my god…when you discover a new show and you watch all the seasons in a week, and your brain becomes numb and you’re unable to rejoin the world properly at the end of it…that is horrible. Thankfully, it’s only happened to me once, and it was before we got Netflix. Legend of the Seeker was the best thing to ever happen to television, and I have no idea how it wasn’t popular enough to not get cancelled.

My sister on the other hand, gets warped into the Netflix-itis thing rather frequently. She’s discovered and watched the entirety of Gossip Girl, Pretty Little Liars, The Lying Game, and a whole lot of other stuff. that Netflix has to offer. Right now, she’s been watching Nikita for the past few days. I think she’s watching one of the season finales’ right now. She literally takes breaks only for showering, bathroom, and eating (and only because my mum threatens to hide the PS3 controller). God. Nikita is an awesome show in it’s own right, but it unsettles me somewhat. Anything involving secret government doings makes me nervous, which is why I have such a huge love/hate relationship with stuff like The Hunger Games and Divergent series’. As amazing as they are, it’s hard to imagine yourself in those situations and consider what you’d do.

Today’s BlogHer prompt was “Tell us what you’ve learned so far about daily blogging”.

I’ve learned that my life is incredibly dull.

*cue Superwoman accent voice* JUST KIDDING (although, in all fairness, it is)

I’ve learned that while it is incredibly difficult to stick to something regularly, it’s also very rewarding to look back and say with satisfaction that you’ve done something like this. For instance, I’ve always meant to journal daily, but always would up doing it in irregularly spaced intervals (every two days, then a week would pass, etc.) and I’d get so frustrated with myself and give it up. To be able to say that I’ve managed to blog daily for a full week is a decent accomplishment for me. I’ve always felt that writing is very beneficial to your mind, and I always do it. Even if it’s on trashed scraps of paper (or unsaved notepad/notes documents). This is an effort to put it together, with at least mediocre grammar and whatnot, and publish it somewhere where it will be organized and reasonably accessible to random people & people I wish to share it with.

I sincerely hope I manage to finish NaBloPoMo flying high. Here’s to commitment, writing, and personal growth.

“We like to be right, so that we can feel good”

I nearly forgot about writing anything today. If not for my set reminders on my laptop, I would have showered and went to sleep, flowing into blissful nothingness. Today was a ridiculously long day. I’ve yet to decide if taking social psychology in a 8 week term was a fantastic idea or a dreadful one.

The major reiterated theme of social psychology, is evidently “We as humans do things for primarily two reasons: We like to be right, and we like to feel good. We don’t like being wrong, because we would feel bad if we were wrong, and we don’t like feeling bad.” In all the classes we’ve had so far, we’ve always come back to that. As my prof said, we’re going to be having nightmares about that rule. It’s a fairly easy, and very interesting class (and I LOVE my professor), but the class times are so long (2 hrs and 15 mins). As easy as that seems, I have another 1.5 hr class right before this one, and mornings are so not my thing.

I have no idea how I’m going to fare at the higher university level, where I’m sure average class times hit 3+ hours. I have the attention span of an insect, unless I’m reading something. In which case I can sit for hours and forget that time exists.

Speaking of reading things, I recently found out that the local bookstore near my house is going out of business. Which means everything in there is 30-50% off, until Feb 2014 when they close. The lady in there said that now’s the time to stock up, and I intend to do so (my mom is not at all pleased at the idea of a big book sale, because she’s already upset that I have as many as I do).

As the character Alaska said in John Green’s book…she has that many books so that she’d always have something to read.

It is quite sad to think that they’re going out of business though, as they’ve been in business for 27 years. Ah well. In these times, I’m not that surprised. Ebooks have seriously hurt the “real” book business. And big franchises like Barnes and Noble tend to take the business away with their cafes and fanciness.

—-

I’ve now been called “fat” by every member of my family (I’m not fat by the way, I weigh less than even the borderline weight for my height and age).  It has irritated me to the point where I’ve been working out for 15-30 minutes every day this week. Maybe that’s not exactly healthy motivation, but it is working. If something works, we shall leave it at that.

Day … 6?

Taking inspiration once again from BlogHer‘s prompt list… 

“If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?”

Definitely a tough choice, but it would probably be to steady my somewhat fragile nerves. I worry ceaselessly about  many things. If a family member is out and hasn’t been picking up their cellphone, I automatically think the absolute worst. If I get a “Breaking News” notification, I don’t think “robbery” or “drug bust”, I think more along the lines of “impending apocalypse” (ok maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration but you know what I mean). And the most irritating part is that when I’m in full out worry/panic mode, I’m completely useless to the world and to myself. I cold sweat and shiver and am frozen in place, desperately trying to grasp something to focus on that will reassure me even a little bit that everything is ok. 

It is an incredibly harrowing personality trait, and I know exactly where I’ve inherited it from. My mum’s mum worries the same about everyone. When there is any crisis, she is the last person anyone thinks to tell, because we know she’s going to be unable to sleep or eat until things get marginally better. 

I’d be so grateful for some steadier nerves. If only we could all just be gifted that. Magically get one thing automatically fixed about ourselves. 

—-

Tomorrow is my long day at school. Even though it involves back to back Psychology classes, I feel exhausted already. 

Today…there is nothing to say

I am still quite speechless at the moment. I haven’t been able to form too many coherent thoughts since I spoke to a good friend of mine this morning. She married just a year ago, a small and simple wedding in a Mosque. She looked stunningly beautiful, and had a smile on her face that dimmed everyone else in the room. She was young at the time, just 19, but she was sure about him and everyone supported her and wished her well. 

Today I found out that their marriage is over, a little over two months past their 1 year anniversary. I couldn’t believe it. When asked what happened, her only answer was that they both wanted different things in a spouse. 

I desperately wanted to say, did you NOT have conversations BEFORE marriage that discussed those things? Expectations of each other is one of the most important things to talk about, it impacts your everyday life. And how do you just flippantly say your marriage is over? As though you just gave up on it because you couldn’t be bothered?

People disregard marriage as anything important. They don’t consider it to be sacred, or special. Even those from religious backgrounds. It’s looked at as slightly more serious than dating, and when things get tough or you disagree, just drop kick it out the window and look for a new one. 

I’m disgusted, scared, immensely sad, and still in solid disbelief at the same time. Disgusted because I’ve lost a lot of my faith in marriage. Scared because a failed marriage is something that’s always worried me, and now that such a close friend divorced after 1 year, it seems so much more feasible now. Sad because I’m sad it didn’t work out for her, and because marriage is such a beautiful thing. It’s the joining of two people, an agreement to beautiful interdependence in a society that is so focused on individuality and selfishness. And in disbelief because seriously…one year. 

I can’t bring myself to think about this any more. 

Humanity, please restore my faith in you soon.

-Day 5

 

I knew I’d run out of writing ideas early on

BlogHer‘s prompt list for November’s NaBloPoMo has the following prompt listed for today: Who is your favorite character of all time?  Which is a lovely open-ended question and will do nicely as inspiration for todays post.

Since it does not specify character of what, I have decided to go with what I kind of know best (books) and attempt to pick a favorite (impossible). At first I considered going with my favorite classical character (Jane Eyre), and then I thought… nah. I love her, but I don’t relate to her personality as much as others. Honestly, I think my favorite character of all time (or at least, one of my favorite) has to be Hermione Granger from J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series.

I feel that Hermione is vastly under-appreciated throughout the series. She’s so headstrong, and intelligent, and despite her feminist and liberal views she still manages to love with an incredible capacity. She cares for Harry and Ron so much, and it doesn’t seem to be reciprocated. They pretty much use her for homework and whatnot, and often brush aside her views and arguments on everything. She’s more often than not, the right one, yet her two best friends never seem to apologize or feel too bad about it afterward.

When the war was about to start she erased herself from her parents’ memories and sent them off to Australia…a fact that was breezed over and brushed away. Then there’s the whole Ron-relationship thing. Ron is a great character, but come on, he would so not end up with ‘mione in real life. He’d need a dictionary to understand what she tells him half the time. Hermione deserved so much better. I understand the kiss and stuff right before the final battle (impending doom does loads of things to you), but to end up married with kids to Ron of all people? Serious injustice Queen Rowling, serious injustice.

I love Hermione because she’s completely brilliant and yet she never loses her humanity. I find that very intelligent people usually find it hard to connect with others on an emotional level. She finds it in her to look for the good in everyone (even Draco Malfoy, who she refused to believe was a death eater until the astronomy tower incident). I also love how she couldn’t be bothered to place much emphasis on her looks regularly, yet she knows how to clean up amazingly when need be (ex. the Yule Ball). She also shares my love for books, and learning, and the itching need to have a perfect grade in classes (I’ve cried over lost A’s more times than I’d like to admit).

Hermione Granger deserved much more than she was given, being as amazing as she is. But seeing as the series IS kind of called Harry Potter, Harry’s story was what mattered and I can understand why my girl was neglected. Still though, Queen Rowling…you could have done her just a LITTLE more justice don’t ya think?

In other news, my sister is playing Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag (awesome game) and she goes “omg I think I just killed someone”

Bro. It’s Assassin’s Creed. What did you think you’d be doing? Baking pastries?

*sigh

Day 3

In the fourth grade, our teacher let us watch “Maid in Manhattan” in class. I have no idea why, I just remember her putting the movie onto one of the schools rolling TV stands and everyone cheering (except me of course, because I had never heard of it before). 

I remember being distinctly uncomfortable, because clearly, it wasn’t meant to be a children’s movie. I felt as though I was doing something terribly wrong, because I knew my parents would never let me watch a movie like that (I was 8, and still blissfully naive about well…pretty much everything). My teacher laughingly went and stood in front of the TV partially when the brief scene of a butt-naked man came up. I remember turning my face away for the few kisses and very short bit with the two in bed together (if I remember shit correctly, I’ve only ever watched that movie once since). 

I’m not sure why I randomly remembered that today. I wonder if it’s allowed for elementary school teachers to show that kind of stuff in class, as mild as it seems now that I look back on it.  Probably not. Ah innocence. Blissful childish innocence. God, what I’d give for that back. Not knowing anything, at all. I wonder if there are still children who grow up not knowing. It sucks that that’s probably not the case. In our society, kids learn what sex is before they learn long division. 

Speaking of which, we’re totally using long division in my college algebra class. I genuinely laughed when the lesson came up. Who would have thought we’d be actually using that whole DadMumSisterBrother (division, multiplication, subtraction, and bringing the number down… respectively) crap we learned in the third grade ever again. 

Now, if you’ll excuse the complete randomness, I think I’ll go finish my competency evaluation for my forensic psychology class now. 

-NaBloPoMo Day 3