“So you’re into all your books, and you play your part…”

Take a line from a song that you love or connect with. Now forget the song, and turn that line into the title or inspiration for your post.

I failed the bloody English class. It is both hilarious, and intensely sad to think about, but what is done is done. I now have to re-take it over the Summer A semester (along with intermediate math or whatever the hell) which is going to be great FUN as it is at 8:00 am three days a week. Along with the lovely grade that I received in my favorite subject (no sarcasm there, English genuinely is my favorite subject), I received two A’s and a B. Clearly, I’m a good student. I just procrastinate, and I’m having a serious internal crisis regarding all of this crap.

College is stress. Anyone who says otherwise is either not trying hard enough, or is a genius. I just don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. In the time I’ve been in college, I feel like my Islaamic studies have just taken a bullet to the spine and is completely paralyzed until further notice. And I just really don’t think it’s worth it. I’m not a career minded person. I don’t see the point in slaving behind a job that you hate in order to make piles of money to buy material crap that you don’t need.

You could ask, why did I start college then? To put it quite simply, I love learning. I love the thrill and stress of learning. I despise exams, but I love that feeling when someone asks you something and you can give an educated and well-rounded answer. I believe that as a Muslim you should be educated, both in secular and in religious knowledge. Knowledge is power.

My problem does not lie with knowledge, it lies with our education system. Very few of us actually LEARN anything in our classes that we slave and cry over. Why? Because the system is meant to be a money-making, sheep factory. Most people I know who have graduated from college are still, years later, working crappy jobs that they hate and have nothing to do with their degree. They learnt nothing. In order to excel in any career (save the big ones, medical, engineering, law, blabla), you don’t need college education. You need training, experience, someone willing to give you experience, and network connections. So why do all of us fool ourselves into thinking we’re gonna leave and live fulfilling lives and it will all be worth it?

My major is Psychology, which is somewhat of a joke to the general public. And so many people are “majoring” in Psychology without giving a crap about it and taking up space in the field. I love Psychology. I love studying people, because people are amazing, crazy,  sometimes intensely dark minded, and beautifully designed creatures. I have no interest in making a ridiculous amount of money researching in Psych, I simply want to study people for a living. But then there is the issue that if I am to be blessed with children, I wouldn’t want to work, because I feel that the best person to raise children is the mother.

So many questions, and time seems to be screwing with me. I’m 19, and I will be 20 in 7-8 months. Seemingly a long time, but seriously man TWENTY?! What on earth would I have accomplished in 20 years of living? Most of it has been spent in school, “learning” stuff of which 80% I don’t remember.  I have only memorized the last Juz of quraan, and even that needs brushing up.

I feel like I haven’t done the things that matter. I do everything my family asks of me, parents/siblings/relatives/etc. Never asking questions, always playing my part. Mi madre says I’m a pushover, and it’s funny because she also says I’m the kind of person who will tell you off and make you cry if you hurt me. I think I’m only a pushover for family, which I’m fairly certain isn’t a good thing at all.

On top of this, my plans to marry at 20 are failing miserably. Simply because no ones come asking (har har) and anyone I’m interested in are considered out of the question by my parents. Why would I want to get married at 20? Because I want someone to build my life with. I have no interest in doing it alone. I also want to get married because God knows how ridiculously hard it is not having someone to call your own + trying to be a good Muslim + living in MIAMI of all places.

Life is a strange thing. All my focus on books and “learning” and whatnot, and I haven’t learnt love.

I believe a post on love is due soon. 🙂

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