Campus is creepy during the summer time

I have classes Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays starting at 8 freaking o’clock in the morning and ending at 12:40 pm (10:15 on Fridays). The campus looks like a ghost town, and it’s deeply unsettling to walk past the coffee shop and find no groups of loud Hispanic guys sitting at the tables in front of it. 

I don’t actually mind the classes. The professors seem okay enough, if a bit boring. Although, that could be because my ex history teacher professor Martins (most amazing teacher ever) spoiled me and now I hold everyone to that standard. My biggest issue is not the math homework, or the immense workload in English, or whatever…it’s keeping my eyes open that early in the morning. 

Cuban coffee will be put to its test from now until June 21, when inshaAllah I will throw my papers in the air, call it a year, and hit the beach.

Or you know… I’ll put everything away quietly, make a cuppa, and curl up on my couch.

*nods

Today I had a bit of a chat with a girl that I’ve known for ages, and rarely talk to. I felt horribly bad about never putting aside time for her, and that was my incentive for sitting with her after my second class finished. Honestly, I don’t think pity is a good basis for a relationship, but oh well. Hilariously though, I think she pities me more than I pity her.

I’m not entirely sure what it is about her that throws me. It could be because her favorite time for classes is 7 am (my brain doesn’t function at 7 am) or because she texts the same way she talks, with extra letters on every word and multiple exclamation points at the end of every sentence. Or it could be because she complains about her classes all the time and then misses it when she has a vacation. I don’t really know. She also kind of makes really loud noises with her shoes when she walks, and talks really loudly and squeakily. She asks questions in a demanding way, and my natural “stay away from bullies” reaction kicks in and I end up sounding super defensive when I answer. 

I’m not backbiting because I haven’t mentioned any personal details about this girl, but now I’m feeling guilty any way. I just really don’t want to become close friends to her. It grates my nerves. And I don’t know what to do except for continue making lame excuses for the rest of my life. 

Ha. Me not knowing how to tell someone something. The world must be ending. 

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“So you’re into all your books, and you play your part…”

Take a line from a song that you love or connect with. Now forget the song, and turn that line into the title or inspiration for your post.

I failed the bloody English class. It is both hilarious, and intensely sad to think about, but what is done is done. I now have to re-take it over the Summer A semester (along with intermediate math or whatever the hell) which is going to be great FUN as it is at 8:00 am three days a week. Along with the lovely grade that I received in my favorite subject (no sarcasm there, English genuinely is my favorite subject), I received two A’s and a B. Clearly, I’m a good student. I just procrastinate, and I’m having a serious internal crisis regarding all of this crap.

College is stress. Anyone who says otherwise is either not trying hard enough, or is a genius. I just don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. In the time I’ve been in college, I feel like my Islaamic studies have just taken a bullet to the spine and is completely paralyzed until further notice. And I just really don’t think it’s worth it. I’m not a career minded person. I don’t see the point in slaving behind a job that you hate in order to make piles of money to buy material crap that you don’t need.

You could ask, why did I start college then? To put it quite simply, I love learning. I love the thrill and stress of learning. I despise exams, but I love that feeling when someone asks you something and you can give an educated and well-rounded answer. I believe that as a Muslim you should be educated, both in secular and in religious knowledge. Knowledge is power.

My problem does not lie with knowledge, it lies with our education system. Very few of us actually LEARN anything in our classes that we slave and cry over. Why? Because the system is meant to be a money-making, sheep factory. Most people I know who have graduated from college are still, years later, working crappy jobs that they hate and have nothing to do with their degree. They learnt nothing. In order to excel in any career (save the big ones, medical, engineering, law, blabla), you don’t need college education. You need training, experience, someone willing to give you experience, and network connections. So why do all of us fool ourselves into thinking we’re gonna leave and live fulfilling lives and it will all be worth it?

My major is Psychology, which is somewhat of a joke to the general public. And so many people are “majoring” in Psychology without giving a crap about it and taking up space in the field. I love Psychology. I love studying people, because people are amazing, crazy,  sometimes intensely dark minded, and beautifully designed creatures. I have no interest in making a ridiculous amount of money researching in Psych, I simply want to study people for a living. But then there is the issue that if I am to be blessed with children, I wouldn’t want to work, because I feel that the best person to raise children is the mother.

So many questions, and time seems to be screwing with me. I’m 19, and I will be 20 in 7-8 months. Seemingly a long time, but seriously man TWENTY?! What on earth would I have accomplished in 20 years of living? Most of it has been spent in school, “learning” stuff of which 80% I don’t remember.  I have only memorized the last Juz of quraan, and even that needs brushing up.

I feel like I haven’t done the things that matter. I do everything my family asks of me, parents/siblings/relatives/etc. Never asking questions, always playing my part. Mi madre says I’m a pushover, and it’s funny because she also says I’m the kind of person who will tell you off and make you cry if you hurt me. I think I’m only a pushover for family, which I’m fairly certain isn’t a good thing at all.

On top of this, my plans to marry at 20 are failing miserably. Simply because no ones come asking (har har) and anyone I’m interested in are considered out of the question by my parents. Why would I want to get married at 20? Because I want someone to build my life with. I have no interest in doing it alone. I also want to get married because God knows how ridiculously hard it is not having someone to call your own + trying to be a good Muslim + living in MIAMI of all places.

Life is a strange thing. All my focus on books and “learning” and whatnot, and I haven’t learnt love.

I believe a post on love is due soon. 🙂